Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker Ate My Hamster

By way of full disclosure it should be noted that I do not own, nor have ever owned a hamster, unless you count the one that my uncle Richard borrowed and never returned.

A work colleague has been pestering me about going to watch the new Star Wars – Rise of Skywalker, with him ‘and the boys’. This was met with a fairly blunt, “I have zero interest in seeing the film, certainly not with ‘the boys'”

Having shared this news with Mrsoutatownstrange, she was outraged that I could be so mean to turn down his ‘kind offer’. Kind offer or otherwise, quite frankly I don’t care – even if this does mean that I am dead inside.

I would argue that I am not completely dead inside, just the inner eight year old who gets excited by jelly, ice cream and going to the cinema. It isn’t so much the social aspect of sitting in a dark room ignoring those around me which I dislike, it is the fan boy forensic discussions that no doubt follow.

Having turned down the ‘kind’ offer, the gravity well of those discussions lurk like an inverse Sword of Damocles.

“We have been talking [the royal we of fanboydom] and have decided that Rise of Skywalker makes it into the top three of greatest Starwars films….”


“Rogue one, then Empire Strikes back and Rise of Skywalker – replacing Revenge of the Sith”

*Eye starts twitching involuntarily*

I watched Empire Strikes back recently and quite frankly the middle hour and a half is REALLY BORING. Great opening, great ending. All the Yoda crap and the others stuck in a space rock is dreadful.

Rogue One was a half decent film, somehow rescued from what even the final director summed up as a shit show without an ending.

The Rise of Skywalker as far as I can see needs a healthy dose of Viagra.

However, I cannot be arsed to share these thoughts with the ‘Royal We of Fanboydom’, the kind of audience who will happily watch a bad film six times and the discover that it is in fact a masterclass of cinema.

So I leave 2019 not only hating Christmas, New Year, Birthdays, Socialising, but also Star Wars

Bravo Disney


Internet personality who writes sometimes